I’m having one of this weeks where I’m all emotional, everything makes me want to cry and I want to hide away from the world.
Obviously this is the perfect time for my psychologist to go on holidays. So guess what blog, you get to listen to me.
To start with. Feels. All the feels.
For approximately 7 years I have actively hidden away from letting people close to me. I haven’t dated, I’ve kept any male who could hurt me at an arms length, I haven’t put myself in any situation where I could meet someone.
I didn’t want to get hurt. I was protecting myself.
My walls around my heart are really might.
And now someone who I never expected has caught me off guard and I’ve got the feels. I don’t know what to do. I’m scared.
This person is amazing. He listens, he cares, he accepts me for who I am. He encourages me (currently trying to encourage me to sing. That is a hard no!), makes me laugh, he makes the world seem happier.
He makes me feel emotions and all that comes with them. I giggle like a school girl when the cute boy walks past.
I didn’t plan for this to happen. How did I let this happen.
What do I do?
This isn’t part of my grand plan for life.
If he doesn’t call, I get worried. I miss him if we don’t get to talk.
What is this craziness.
I honestly don’t know what to do. So what have we all learnt is my default, I cry.
So this whole new barrel of emotional torment, is coupled with increasing levels of pain, discomfort and numbness.
I’m hoping it’s just a case of pain being bad so I’m not sleeping well so I’m just tired which is why I’m all emotional.
But yes, I’m in pain. All the nerve pain with a side of migraine.
My body hurts all the time. It’s a constant all over ache. With sharp pain in hands and feet. It’s exhausting and debilitating.
For those who haven’t experienced chronic pain, I honestly wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. You can’t escape pain. Medication takes the edge off, but as it wears off you’re reminded pretty quickly that it’s there.
It doesn’t go away.
I have the bedtime of a tired toddler. If I don’t put myself to bed early, I end up wanting to cry, getting angry at myself and frustrated at everything.
Pain makes my anxiety peak. Which is hard.
Especially when I have all the above mentioned feels and I’m already overwhelmed with life.
I’m off for another hospital stay in 12 days. This one is the best but worst.
Best because I end up out of pain after constant pain killers for 6 days straight. I’m drunk and have no filter for 5 of those days. I am hilarious.
Worst because the food is terrible. Like barely inedible. Grey chicken should not be served up, vegetables shouldn’t be cooked to the point of being tasteless. There were days that I couldn’t stomach whatever it was they plonked in front of me.
I get hung up on food in hospital.
Being a patient, you hand over so much control. You are at the mercy of other people for the whole time.
Food is the one thing you have to look forward to, it breaks up the constant monitoring, nurse visits, doctors popping in whenever, constant noise. When the food is shit, it makes the stay longer and harder. Nothing to look forward to; the dread of yet another tasteless meal.
I’ve never been to prison, it would be interesting to see who gets the better food.
My normal hospital, amazing food, great staff. Love staying there.
Pain hospital, awful everything. However I get pain killers so it’s the trade off I guess.
Oh did I mention it’s a private hospital as well? Yeah, disgraceful for what it costs a night.
So that’s where I’m at right now.
Feels and pain.